Byron Katie
On the path, I had "love affairs" with a number of books and masters. Some lasted, most were the equivalent of spiritual one-night stands. Of all the tapes, books and methods I came across on the path, Byron Katie's process (which she calls "The Work") stands out as one of the few pearls that had a notable and lasting healing effect on my mind. Ironically, there isn't really anything "spiritual" about that process.
One week in November, I knew nothing of Byron Katie; the next week, I had heard of her from three sources. How typical. Soon someone had given me the audiobook version of Loving What Is. I remember listening to it on long-distance buses in Egypt, her voice in my earphones covering the Qur'an that played non-stop on the sound system; then finishing the tapes in a small hotel room in Siwa, an oasis town by the Lybian border where I had holed up for a few weeks. The book came at the right time for me. I was in what I now call the "weeding phase" of my spiritual path. After trying convoluted techniques to try and "plant beautiful flowers" in myself, I had changed my approach completely and decided that I already lived in a perfect garden—all I needed was to remove the weeds!
This saying by a Sufi master perfectly encapsulated the idea:
"Do not seek truth; first try to purify yourself."
(Sidi Hamza Al Qadiri Al Boutchichi)
Byron Katie gave me a framework to start weeding. With the help of her method, I started to work systematically on grudges I had carried towards many people through the years, and, as my buttons got pushed by circumstance, to work on patterns that had triggered me for a long time.
The effects of Byron Katie's method were immediate and spectacular. Later, to permanently heal certain mind patterns that had a tendency to crop back up, I devised a three-part process for my own use. Byron Katie's Work was the first part of that process. One day I would like to write a page about this method, which has helped me enormously on the path.
This Byron Katie page is a work in progress. At the moment, it is "upside down": rather than starting this page with an explation of "The Work" (which you can read on Byron Katie's website), I started by jotting down some misunderstandings and blocks that often stand in the way when people first start out with Katie's technique.
Misunderstanding #1: Responsibility
When you sit down to work on a judgment with the four questions, at the "turnaround" stage, statements that started with "they should" or "they shouldn't have" often suggest statements that start with "I should" or "I shouldn't have".At this point, some people have a problem because they think that the turnaround statement tells them to take responsibility for a situation that took place in the past—often at a time when they were too young to control it. This is a misunderstanding of the intention behind the turnaround stage. Turnaround statements are not meant to be taken as truths, but as windows to other possible interpretations. If a turnaround statement says "I should have" or "I shouldn't have", it is not telling you to take responsibility for someone else's actions. It is there to jolt your mind: sometimes the statement carries an insight.
In fact, there is no "should" in Byron Katie. Not on your side, and not on the other person's side. Things are what they are. So if you ever perceive that the Work is telling you what you should do, you are missing something.
What about responsibility? If not them, if not me, who is responsible? The Work doesn't deal with these questions. In the context of the Work, these questions actually have no meaning.
If you really want to bring in responsibility, then one could say that in a sense you are responsible for the thoughts and emotions in your mind today. Not responsible in the sense that you caused these emotions and thoughts: You get triggered, thoughts and emotions arise. But responsible in the sense (almost a spiritual cliché nowadays) of "response-able". You are able to respond to these emotions and thoughts. You can respond. You have a tool in your hand. If you choose not to respond, you are choosing to stay with these emotions and thoughts. That is your choice.
In a sense, no one can make you suffer. You have the tools, so you have a choice. In that sense, you are responsible.
Block #1: Analysis (with or without Lethargy)
One thing that often stands in the way of Byron Katie's technique is a person's resistance to sitting down with pen and paper to actually do the Work. The first symptom of this is when that person tells you what's wrong with Byron Katie, or how they agree with this part but not with that part. The mind is really good at going into all kinds of activity and producing all kinds of justifications to not do any serious work on itself, whether out of laziness or because it's not ready to solve its problems. When I see this in someone, it makes me a little sad, because that person has a tool to end much of her suffering in her hand but is choosing not to—sometimes zooming off to the next method with which to disagree… or with which to agree, if that method is a dead-end :)If you notice anything like that in yourself, my advice would be "Do the sheet first, then tell me what's wrong with Byron Katie."
Block #2: My Story is Different
In this situation, someone reads a Byron Katie book or listens to her tapes then proclaims "It's really great, but it doesn't apply to me. My story is different." Yeah, right. Like everyone else who thinks their story is different. This person sees that somehow, everyone on the tape had a story that needed to be placed in perspective. But this person's story just happens to be different. "Do you know what they did to me? Why would I have to work on myself? They're the ones who should ask me to forgive them." Another way to avoid doing the Work (see Block #1).Block #3: My Story is Real
Most people believe they suffer because of what someone once did to them. But where is that today? The truth is that they are suffering because of the story that keeps playing in their mind.This story, "I am suffering because of what they did", is a powerful story. If you believe that this story is real, then you are stuck. If "what they did to you" is the source of your suffering, what can you do? Why even try to work on it?
It can be hard to see that this story ("I am suffering because of what they did") is not real. It can be hard because it is human to assume that what our minds show us must be right; we know the truth about what happened.
So there is a natural resistance to changing our stories of what "they" did to us. Not only because we like to think that our minds cannot trick us and the story must therefore be real; but also because, too often, we are in love with our stories of suffering. We have invested so much in these stories that we don't want to give them up. They are part of our identity. They are part of "who we are".
Without your "I am suffering because of what they did" story, you would not be the same person—a bit like a version of you in a parallel universe. Therefore, letting go of the story is a bit like dying. From the mind's standpoint, it's a little frightening. Who will you be if you cannot tell that story anymore?
If you see the mind stalling, saying "I don't want to work on this pattern", just force yourself to sit down and do the four questions. The surprise is that the amount of relief you feel after doing the Work is proportional to the amount of resistance you had to doing the Work beforehand.
In a way, your mind is "blown": You no longer know what you knew. And that's wonderful. You want to laugh. You want to cry. You cannot believe you waited so long. So the more you resist, the better the reason to force yourself to do the Work!
Coming Soon
This section serves as a placeholder to remind me of concepts I'd like to discuss soon:- Coming soon :)
Byron Katie Quotes
Here are fragments that have hit the right spot at a certain time for me or my lady companion. They may be obvious, but sometimes I like to be reminded of the obvious."Your understanding of another person is limited by what you think you already know."
(I Need Your Love, Is That True?, p. 51 ("Seeking Approval")
Wishing you a gorgeous day,
Smiles,
Andy
ps: If you have enjoyed this page, I would be immensely grateful if you would link to it, bookmark it or share it. You can also comment using the form below.